*Photo taken by Pamela Tabb Photography*
Dear life, i’m definitely in it for the long run.
It has been nearly a century since i was last able to sit down and write and freely tell the world what’s been on my mind, but tonight, amidst the craziest and most challenging semester i’ve ever had, i am here – laying in bed and typing.
Something that has been near and dear on my heart and ever present in my daily activities has been my relationship, and as i spoke to my boy about writing this tonight, his one rule was that he is only referred to as Schmerik (which is of course adorable and irresistible).
The truth is that we’ve been dating for over 3 years now, almost 3 1/2 years come November 28th, which may not seem long in the grand scheme of things, but actually, being in the midst of it, is a very, very long time. Now i am by no means an expert on long term dating as some would say that 3 1/2 years is hardly anything, but i definitely have more years under my belt with my boyfriend than most 20 somethings do with their new husbands, and what i have learned and understood in that time is so crucial to my take on relationships.
There is something special about being with someone for so long, but actually being with them because you full on want to knowing that at any moment it could all end and could go away, knowing that you’ve both worked through your arguments and differences and are still standing and here to tell the tale today. And looking back over the time we’ve spent together, I wouldn’t trade it for anything, not even marriage at year 1 or year 2 because here’s the thing … we may have been dating for a long time, but that’s a long time of learning and a long time of loving. In that time, i have had the ample opportunity to learn about the man i’m in love with and how he reacts when his favorite sports team looses, when he gets a bad grade on a test, when he doesn’t get enough sleep the night before, when he’s hungry, and especially when he’s upset. It takes time to learn all these things, and i swear every day i learn something new about him still. Being in a relationship with someone gives you a chance to talk about the things that you will face later in life like the fact that i’m really bad with money so he’s going to have to be the responsible one. It gives you a chance to talk about all the awkward topics such as the “future in-laws”, the taboo topics such as religion or politics, and even the not so friendly topics such as your individual weaknesses.
But i don’t want to fool you, being in a long term relationship has not always and will not ever be a walk in the park. So here’s a little couple pointers on how to ensure that you’re long term relationship is just as successful and strong as mine has been.
- You must compromise.
Straight up, i cannot tell you how important it is to learn that you cannot always be the winner in every battle. If there’s something you don’t want to do for some odd reason or another, think about how this will make your partner. Think about how you challenging this decision will change the mood and impact your interactions for the day. It’s the little things like this that are often overlooked but can have the biggest impact on the relationship. Basically, you must think about whose happiness is more important – yours or your partners, and then, once you answer this question, you must determine what sacrifices your partner has made for you in the past. Relationships, especially those that are meant to grow and develop, are all about giving and taking. The hard part about it is learning when to give and when to take. - Learn how to communicate with your partner
More than anything, i would say that Schmerik and I are still working on learning how best to communicate with each other. Especially during high stress times like finals week and busy weeks where we don’t see each other often, we sometimes struggle being civil and getting along nice. For us specifically, we don’t communicate well when it is solely phone based. We need to see each other and talk to each other and be with each other in order to fully communicate our needs and our desires. However, don’t be fooled. What is best for Schmerik and i is not best for everyone. It is so crucial that you determine what works best in your relationship for you and your partner and don’t overgeneralize. In this case, it is especially important that if you don’t already know what works best for you, that you ask and explore. I would by lying if i told you i hadn’t asked Schmerik what’s his love language and how would he rather talk to me, and i’d be lying if i said it was easy and i didn’t have to think about it for a couple days before i did it. - Pay attention
Don’t let anything slip by. Pay attention to everything your partner does and learn from them. Learn about them. Spend the time you’re together learning to love your partner and everything that makes them unique. Try to remember how they like their eggs so you can surprise them one morning or maybe try to get their favorite childhood movie you watched on your first date together so that you can have a night in and relax. It’s the little details like these that end up meaning so much to your partner and it really shows how much you care about them. But really, this is coming from someone who is HORRIBLE at the little details and whose partner is phenomenal at surprising me with things i don’t even remember sharing with him however many years ago. - Remember that your relationship is you and them … do not involve other people.
I know i’ve done it before, but i’ve also learned from this mistake and will do my best to avoid doing it again. When you’re in your relationship, don’t talk about it or involve other people. It’s as simple as that. A relationship is meant to be between two people and when you involve other people it just becomes messy. Now, this may seem simple thinking that, “oh, i don’t involve others. It’s obviously just us”, but it’s not. When you are fighting with your partner, don’t go texting all your BFFs and tell them how much you hate your boyfriend or how you don’t ever think it’ll be okay (AND LIKE I SAID, I’m definitely guilty of this and those of you who know me well can completely call me on it). It’s so hard on everyone, and when you and your partner do work everything out and are better, and your friends check back in to make sure you’re okay, it’s a stab in the chest of a reminder of everything you were hoping to forget. Which usually comes with more explanations and more reminders of the huge fight you only want to move on from. - Find out what’s important to them
If you don’t know what they want for their future or for their future family, then you’re not ready to get married, you’re not ready to get married if you don’t know what they want to do after they graduate college and you definitely aren’t ready for marriage if you don’t understand their priorities. Believe it or not, many males first and foremost priority is not their girl and it shouldn’t be. There are very few things in anyone’s life that mean that much to them and a girlfriend of 4 months or even a year may not always be that one end all, first choice. However, this aspect isn’t necessarily about their number 1 choice but also about their numbers 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and so on and so forth. For example, Schmerik and i will make plans for the weekends and decide what we want to do, BUT during soccer season, our plans are all made after 10 am when soccer finishes in the mornings.
This may have turned into an article about all the areas i fall short in, but these are the areas in which my relationship has grown through the challenges. I could honestly go on and on about the different things i have learned from my relationship, but the list would never end. However, to finish up this extremely long post about long term relationships, i asked Schmerik what his two most important pieces of advice for anyone in a long term relationship would be. He said:
– It’s not always about you
– An argument does not mean you’re going to break up.
One more final disclaimer for you – my relationship is very specific and unique to me and my boy. It is by no means applicable to every situation or every relationship, but rather this is my general understandings based on my experiences.
Much love,
Sarah
dear life, I win. 